After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Can you bring me the toilet please
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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