that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
