just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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