have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
