I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
