I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
