i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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