gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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