your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
