Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
