I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
