Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
