theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im holly from the hills drunk
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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