A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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