I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We named our party play list daddy issues
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize