The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
