I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So vagazzling was a success
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize