I accidentally had phone sex last night
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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