Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
