ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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