He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
