how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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