I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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