what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Its about making memories worth repressing
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
