hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
don't judge my taste in strippers
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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