Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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