My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
