Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
