dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
