apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
