i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
