Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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