when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
