I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
