My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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