guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
