Having a random hookup so left but love u
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
