I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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