But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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