On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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