Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
