Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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