so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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