i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
