dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
