My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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