i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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