found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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