I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
