it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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