This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
