The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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