did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
