My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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