guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
