I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am midnight drunk by noon
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize