i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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