I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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