we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
