I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize