just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
