I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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