I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
