we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
